Is adultery really a biological necessity? Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat: if there’s one discipline in which we humans truly excel, it’s finding high-minded, scientific justifications for our absolute worst impulses. The moment marital fidelity starts looking threadbare and a wandering eye strays past the garden fence, out comes the ultimate mental gymnastics routine. “It’s not my fault, old chap, it’s just biology. We’re hardwired to reproduce and spread our genetic material!”
Right, of course. And your great-grandfather was out philandering in 1950 purely driven by an urgent, Darwinian evolutionary imperative.
Let’s dismantle this magnificent piece of scientific codswallop with the cynicism it richly deserves.
1. The myth of the “seeding” male (and the poor, confused ape)
The favourite theory wheeled out by serial cheaters down the pub is the old chestnut about “male reproductive strategy.” Men, so the argument goes, are biologically compelled to scatter their seed to the four winds. Women, meanwhile, are merely looking for stability for the offspring. It’s a lovely little bar-room fable that reduces a human being to an earthworm with architectural ambitions. If biology were the sole driver of our actions, we’d still be up in the trees lobbing coconuts at each other. The truth is, we use evolution as an intermittent alibi. We only remember we’re “instinct-driven beasts” when there’s a leg-over to justify, before promptly demanding social security and a joint mortgage.
2. Monogamy: A splendid cultural con-trick
On the flip side of the coin, you’ve got the armchair philosophers pointing an accusing finger at marriage, painting it as a draconian mutiny against man’s “free nature.” “Humans weren’t built to bemonogamous!” they bellow over their Merlot. And ironically enough, they’ve got a point.Social monogamyis a cultural invention: a contract drawn up to manage private property and inheritance. It also stops everyone from bludgeoning each other over three goats and a patch of scrubland. But just because it isn’t “natural” doesn’t mean adultery is some noble clarion call of genetics, or a true biological necessity. It simply means that living in a civilised society is a bit of a slog and comes with the tedious price tag of self-discipline.
3. The “infidelity gene” cop-out (and other fairy tales)
In recent years, science has done us no favours by dragging vasopressin receptors,dopamine pathways, and “novelty-seeking” genes into the mix. The result? Entire generations of serial cheats walking around looking like martyrs to molecular biology: “Darling, it’s not that I’m playing away, it’s just that my RS3 334 allele renders me utterly refractory to monotony!” It’s utterly laughable. We treat genetics the way a lazy schoolboy treats his homework: the dog ate my genome. It’s a ready-made, get-out-of-jail-free card to avoid looking in the mirror. It lets us avoid admitting the most basic truth in the world: we like a bit of novelty, we’re terrified of getting old, and we haven’t got the foggiest idea how tocope with boredom, so we dress it all up as biological necessity.
Etymological Note (from Say Sexology)
Let’s have a gander at “Adultery”. It stems from the Latin adulterium, linked to the verb adulterare, meaning “to corrupt,” “to falsify,” or “to alter.” It’s rather brilliant, isn’t it? Etymology rumbles us without a shred of mercy. Adultery isn’t a return to some primordial state of nature or an irresistible biological drive; it’s a falsification. It’s an attempt to dress up a messy cocktail of white lies, souring hormones, and an inability to tell the truth as some sort of grand passion or inescapable destiny.
The long and the short of it
Why bother writing about any of this? Because I find it quite side-splitting that we go looking for answers in evolutionary genetics when the reality is far more mundane.
The next time you hear someone blaming their extra-curricular antics on “biological necessity,” hand them a banana. Remind them that the difference between us and a troop of baboons ought to lie in the fact that we, on paper, at least, know how to use a brain, rather than letting our lower regions dictate the calendar. And if you do decide to play away, crack on by all means. But at least have the common decency to call a spade a spade, without dragging poor old Darwin into your mess.
Do you reckon we’re biologically hardwired to cheat, or is it just our emotional laziness catching up with us? Let me know in the comments, but do try to keep a straight face!